No Words
by pommedeplume
Summary: (August 1-6, 2001) After tragedy strikes Sirius Black the only thing he needs is to be in the arms of his boyfriend. Part 16 of All That We Have Left series


**August 1, 2001**

Sirius was curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed. He had been like that for hours, unmoving and silent. Remus frowned and sat down on the bed behind him. He reached over and placed a hand on Sirius's arm then squeezed affectionately.

For days, Remus had been struggling to find the right combination of words that would make everything OK. But nothing he could say would bring Sirius's brother back. Remus wasn't sure he believed that Regulus Black had truly taken his own life but he couldn't deny that it was a possibility. He also couldn't deny that perhaps Regs just wanted the same thing that Sirius had wanted: to get away from their parents.

But Sirius hadn't left a suicide note when he left. He had just ran away and been fortunate enough to discover that his parents weren't interested in his whereabouts. Remus had found it a tragic sort of irony.

Sirius sniffled. Remus laid down, pushing himself behind Sirius and wrapping an arm over his chest, his head resting on Sirius's shoulder. There was nothing that Remus could say but that didn't mean he couldn't be there for Sirius. He imagined that if he held Sirius with the correct balance of firmness and affection that he could actually absorb Sirius's sadness. Remus could then store up the pain in the same dark places he kept his own pain.

The only great loss Remus had ever suffered was that of his own innocence, at the hands of a stranger and his wolf-dog. It had left scars both physical and psychological. But the nightmares were getting better and having a boyfriend that thought he was beautiful was going a long way to make him feel comfortable with the physical scars. But sometimes Remus held Sirius when things felt dark and complicated inside and let the pain pass through him. Could Sirius sense it? Remus liked to believe a part of him did.

Perhaps, half an hour passed before Remus felt consciousness begin to slip away. Sirius was already lightly snoring by that point. Remus found it easy to fall asleep holding Sirius, like he was a living, breathing pillow that loved and wanted him.

When Remus next awoke, hours had passed and Remus was now on his back with Sirius's head resting on his chest, dark hair covering his face in a mound. Remus moved the hair from Sirius's face while his eyes struggled to remain open. They fluttered close as sleep took him again.

Remus dreamt of things he could no longer recall once he had awakened. Sirius was laying half on top of him, one of his long legs between Remus's legs. He was too tired to deal with the awkward positioning and didn't wake again until morning.

* * *

 **August 2, 2001**

Sirius had been relieved when Remus told him that he was calling in sick to work that morning. He needed him now. He wasn't sure what it was he needed exactly but Remus made things feel safe.

After getting out of bed, Sirius had made his way to the sofa. Remus had insisted he take a bath and even ran the water for Sirius. He asked Remus to stay with him and he complied, holding Sirius's hand while he let the hot water cleanse him.

He appreciated that Remus wasn't trying to make him talk. He didn't need that. He wasn't ready for _that_. Instead, Remus sat on the sofa, letting Sirius rest his head on his lap. Remus's fingers stroked Sirius's hair and they watched Star Trek: Voyager together while the day disappeared.

James called a couple of times but Sirius wasn't able to do much but mutter a few words. James said something about hanging out Saturday but Sirius just couldn't process it. Peter called but didn't say much. Pete had been acting odd lately. Or maybe Sirius was just overreacting to Pete being happy and having a personal life of some sort. It didn't matter. It was just noise in Sirius's head, taking up too much space.

Evening came and Remus made a small supper. Sirius was still struggling with maintaining an appetite. He still found room for tea and biscuits though. Remus didn't say anything about Sirius shoveling biscuits in his mouth when he wasn't able to finish his supper. Sirius appreciated that.

At bedtime, Sirius climbed onto the bed and curled up next to Remus, like a faithful dog and his master. Sirius drifted off to sleep, telling himself that tomorrow would be better.

* * *

 **August 3, 2001**

When Remus awoke, Sirius was sitting at the end of the bed and crying. Remus moved behind Sirius, wrapping his arms around his chest. Sirius's crying slowed to a sniffle and he never said a word. Remus wasn't sure what had spurred it on. Yesterday things had seemed so peaceful. Sirius seemed to be doing better and had even managed eat a bit, even if it was mostly biscuits.

Remus made eggs and bacon then they ate breakfast while they watched more Star Trek. Everything was quiet for a time. Then evening came and Sirius cried some more. Remus held Sirius and hummed a song. It wasn't any particular song but was the sort of thing Remus thought he would probably hum to a baby if he had one. Sirius wasn't a baby but he needed Remus's love nonetheless.

Things became quiet again and Remus lead Sirius to bed. Sirius fell asleep quickly and hardly stirred while Remus lay awake, saying silent prayers to a God he wasn't sure was there, asking for his love to know peace.

* * *

 **August 4, 2001**

Sirius felt strange when he awoke. He felt like his skin was too tight. He felt more anxious than sad. He could tell that it was bothering Remus and he hated himself for that. Sirius was prone to anxiety. He could usually tell what it was but not this time.

James called about plans. Apparently, Sirius had committed to something or the other that he now had to cancel. Remus, of course, cancelled too. Sirius sometimes wondered how far Remus would go for him. To what lengths would Remus go to help Sirius, to be there for him. He didn't want to have to find out but he still wanted to know, in a sick, self-indulgent sort of way.

He knew it was just the dark, anxious feeling inside of him making him think that. He hoped that's all it was.

When it came time for bed, Sirius halted Remus before he turned out the light. He gave Remus a look that never failed to convey its message and they both disrobed in silence. Sirius lay on his back as Remus made love to him, slow, careful and passionate. After they climaxed together, Sirius quickly felt his anxiety lifting and sleep overcame him almost immediately.

* * *

 **August 5, 2001**

When Remus awoke on Sunday morning Sirius was already up. Sirius popped out of the loo and kissed Remus good morning. He wasn't exactly upbeat but this was progress. They had made love the night before but Remus doubted _that_ had fixed all of Sirius's problems.

It had now been a week since Regulus Black went missing and as far as they knew there had been no sign of him. Remus wanted to mention that he considered the lack of a body was a good thing, but worried he might be failing to prepare Sirius for the possibility that they _would_ find a body.

Sirius devoured his breakfast and then sat on the sofa next to Remus while they watched telly. Remus felt oddly comforted when Sirius finally pushed his shoulder into Remus. He wondered if it was wrong to need to be needed. He didn't like it when Sirius was sad but he feared the day when Sirius might not need him.

Despite that, Remus still was forced to tell Sirius that he would have to go back to work the next day. Sirius took it well and Remus promised that if Sirius needed him that he would be back in a heartbeat.

* * *

 **August 6, 2001**

Remus was gone when Sirius got up. He was determined to be OK today, if only for Remus's sake. It wasn't fair to burden himself on his boyfriend. He already felt bad that he didn't have a job. He couldn't allow his dark feelings to put them on the streets.

Things were fine. Sirius was fine. The day passed and Sirius managed just fine. He had the internet and his computer. He tried to write a poem but the words came out wrong. He checked his emails, trying to tell himself he wasn't hoping he had heard from Regs but still felt a pang of sadness when all he had was spam in his inbox.

He told himself that he wouldn't wait for Remus by the door but he still allowed himself to sit on the sofa where he could wait for Remus with the appearance of casualness. When his mobile rang he greeted James with as much joviality as he could muster, wanting his best friend to see how much better he was doing. But James was not jovial at all and as he spoke Sirius felt the darkness seeping back in.

James's parents had passed away overnight from a gas leak. Sirius felt the darkness rising inside of him, threatening to tangle up around his innards and strangle the life from him, but he pushed it down. This wasn't about Sirius now. This was about James.

Remus came home a few minutes earlier than expected. Sirius could tell that the terrible news had made its way to him as well. Lily probably called him. She and James were on their way over. Sirius wanted to ask Remus what he was supposed to say to James. He had to say something. James was his best friend and was practically like a brother. No, thinking of James as his brother was far too twisted for the moment.

James and Lily came inside the flat and Sirius ran to James and held him tightly, saying nothing. There were no words.


End file.
